{"id":332,"date":"2023-01-01T22:14:42","date_gmt":"2023-01-02T04:14:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/?p=332"},"modified":"2023-01-01T22:14:43","modified_gmt":"2023-01-02T04:14:43","slug":"why-everyone-can-benefit-from-the-aspec-perspective","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/2023\/01\/01\/why-everyone-can-benefit-from-the-aspec-perspective\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Everyone Can Benefit From the Aspec Perspective<\/strong>"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A lot of people see being asexual and\/or aromantic as sad, or something to be pitied or fixed.\u00a0 In reality though, the kinds of things we question and discuss regarding social expectations actually benefit everyone, whether specific individuals are aspec in any way or not.\u00a0 And obviously, since I\u2019m writing this as the introductory paragraph to a blog post\u2026I\u2019m going to explain exactly what we can offer if you\u2019re willing to listen :P.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But first, a couple relevant terms I haven’t used much yet on this blog. Much like we use heteronormativity<\/em>, <\/em>we have the words allonormativity<\/em> and amatonormativity<\/em> to indicate the assumption that everyone likes and has sex, and the assumption that everyone wants a monogamous romantic relationship (which is seen as emotionally superior to friendships and such).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Okay, on to aspec-y critiques of society that would benefit the allo readers out there.\u00a0 As per what\u2019s apparently my new usual, it\u2019s a little over 1,000 words, so if you\u2019re short on time, the final subsection is a TL;DR that you can skip ahead to.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Toxic relationship habits<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our society sees a romantic partner as a higher-value relationship than friends, family, etc., and this can lead to toxic relationships.\u00a0 Although it may be fine for some people (remember, very little is true for everyone<\/em>), one person often can\u2019t satisfy all our needs as social creatures, and expecting them to do so can strain and damage your relationship.\u00a0 And isolating someone is a classic trait of abuse – treating a reliance on only a partner as \u201cromantic\u201d and something to aspire to is downright dangerous in some cases because it can cause people to overlook red flags.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amatonormativity can also cause us to miss out on the richness of social life by downplaying the value of other relationships besides romance.\u00a0 We have self-love, family love, platonic\/friend love, queerplatonic partners, love for our pets, affection for our drinking buddies from work, love for the natural world, general appreciation for other peoples’ existence…\u00a0 A culture that only emphasizes love in a romantic sense, tells us that friendzoning is a negative thing, tells you that if you\u2019re partnered you shouldn\u2019t hang out with friends of a different gender because you\u2019ll be attracted to them, etc., causes a lot <\/em>of people to miss out on the richness and reality of social life.\u00a0 We talk about romantic break-ups all the time, but what about the pain of parting ways with a best friend?\u00a0 What about having a healthy amount of self-love?\u00a0 Romance is simply one kind of attachment among many, and shouldn\u2019t be seen as inherently superior to other types.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, and toxic expectations<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other sub-section was getting so long that I decided to make this a new one, but following that, allonormative and amatonormative expectations can put undue pressure on even people who want to be sexually and romantically active.  \u201cVirgin\u201d is sometimes treated like a slur.  People sometimes pick or stay with partners based on a \u201cbetter than being single\u201d mindset rather than because they truly want to be with that specific person.  Not being able to easily find a partner leads some people to have low self-esteem.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you personally want a partner, either sexually or romantically, than you can absolutely feel sad or the like when it\u2019s hard to find one.\u00a0 If the majority didn\u2019t want partners, I probably wouldn\u2019t be writing this :P.\u00a0 But no one should feel less-then, shamed, or pressured – or guilt or shame or pressure others – for not being sexually active by college, or being single in their 20\u2019s, or the like.\u00a0 We should all, no matter our orientations and as long as mutual respect and consent is always present, be able to do what we want, when<\/em> we want, without feeling bad about failing some arbitrary \u201crule\u201d about partnering up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Understanding why you seem to be multiple things at once<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You may have heard of the split attraction model.\u00a0 Basically, it says that romantic, sexual, and other types of attraction (such as aesthetic and sensual aren\u2019t inherently the same).\u00a0 Although they line up for many people, some have different sexual and romantic orientations.\u00a0 This is why some people are both ace and aro, while others are just ace or aro (or lie at different points on the spectrum for each).\u00a0 However, although we talk about it the most, this is not exclusive to the aspec community.\u00a0 A person can be heterosexual<\/em> and biromantic<\/em>, or pansexual but homoromantic, and so on.\u00a0 If people outside the aspec community don\u2019t know about this, there may be a fair number of confused peeps out there trying to figure out what exactly they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Opening up possibilities for your relationships<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ever notice how damn many cheating-partner stories you hear?\u00a0 In my personal opinion, I suspect a lot more people are polyamorous than they realize or are willing to admit, and everyone would benefit if it were more socially acceptable to discuss the possibility of open relationships, multiple partners, etc. instead of blindly assuming that a single, exclusive partner is the only way to operate.\u00a0 This is another thing aspecs tend to talk about more.\u00a0 Since different interests towards sex and romance can make relationships more complicated, aspecs tend to be more aware of and okay with polyamory, non-romantic partnerships like QPR\u2019s (queerplatonic relationships – to give a simplified definition, a relationship that functions in many ways like a romantic one but lacks the romantic feelings), etc.\u00a0 Although of course a polyamorous relationship or QPR is not for everyone, I think the world would be a better place if society as a whole recognized such relationships as normal and acceptable.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The TL;DR:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although they sometimes affect the aspec community more strongly, societal norms and expectations like allonormativity and amatonormativity can hurt any and everyone.\u00a0 They encourage people to accept toxic behaviors and expectations, neglect the full richness of being a social creature by only valuing romantic relationships, and force people into relationships they may not be truly happy in because other options aren\u2019t presented.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because we aspec peeps operate outside those norms, we\u2019re better positioned in some ways to see how they operate and the harm they cause.\u00a0 We\u2019re more aware of split attraction, and of opportunities for fulfilling relationships, and relationship possibilities, that others may miss.\u00a0 It\u2019s hard to see what\u2019s operating underneath the surface of your own culture\u2019s behaviors if you do fit in regarding the main points.\u00a0 What we know and discuss can benefit the lives and well-being of tons of people, not just those who are aspec, if those people are only willing to genuinely listen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s all for today, folks!\u00a0 Standard disclaimers apply of course: the aspec community isn\u2019t a monolith, and statements I make about what we know or do shouldn\u2019t be assumed to apply to every random aspec person you meet on the street; this is an argument about people having the knowledge and societal freedom to honor their own, individual desires and NOT an argument that everyone should stop trying to find partners; etc. etc.\u00a0 Any thoughts?\u00a0 Don\u2019t hesitate to drop them in the comments!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

P.S. If you find this interesting enough to want to read more in-depth, I highly recommend Angela Chen’s book Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex<\/em>, which is basically Asexuality 101 but with a “how does this stuff help society as a whole” twist.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A lot of people see being asexual and\/or aromantic as sad, or something to be pitied or fixed.\u00a0 In reality though, the kinds of things we question and discuss regarding social expectations actually benefit everyone, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":333,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[43,42],"tags":[45],"class_list":["post-332","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-aromanticism","category-asexuality","tag-relationships"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/332","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=332"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/332\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":334,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/332\/revisions\/334"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/333"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=332"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=332"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.writingforlife.net\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=332"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}